So What Did You Expect?

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Managing expectations is the most important thing you can do to maintain your sanity while your son or daughter is at college. You need to set clear expectations for your kid and for yourself. And that’s exactly what we’re going to help you do in this special section.

Things Are Going to Change

Your child is about to start college!  Perhaps you thought your job as a parent was done.  You believed the college would take care of everything from here, and that they would have your kid’s best interest in mind.  You were ready for a break in parenting … after all, your child is now technically an adult.  However, they still need your involvement in their life. It will be different than before, but your role as a parent is crucial. 

Your kid is probably going to say, “I’m old enough to make my own decisions now.  I need to grow up sometime, and this looks like it is the best time to do it.”  And, to some extent, they’re right!  But it doesn’t have to be a clean break today.  It can be the start of something big and beautiful between you and your son or daughter.  

It’s not unreasonable for you to say, “Well… yes… I agree…but since we are paying for (or helping to pay for) this, it’s reasonable for us to want to know what’s going on. Over the next few years, our roles are going to evolve and eventually change.  You will become more independent, and we will begin to step away.  But right now, there are some expectations that we have. And we want to find out what YOUR expectations are, so we can all be on the same page.”  

Let’s Manage Your Expectations About Managing Expectations

Ok, let’s take a look at this process.  You’ve probably been doing this informally with your kid for 18 years!  Bill Quain remembers his first run-in with parental “expectation management” when he was about seven years old.  At the time, Bill was the oldest of five siblings.  It was Christmas, and Bill was asking Santa Clause for a LOT of presents.  His father took him aside and said, “I have something to tell you about Santa…”  Bill learned to adjust his expectations! 

Well… the same process applies now, to you and your college-bound kid.  Think about it.  Your family is about to lay out well over $100,000, and your kid is thinking, “Wow, I can study whatever I want.  I’ll be free for the first time in my life.  I’m in charge of myself for the first time.”

Well kid… it turns out that there is no such thing as Santa… everything costs money… and right now… you don’t have any money!  So, it’s time to manage some mutually agreed upon expectations.

So, what did you expect?  Did you think this was going to be easy?  It isn’t!  But it doesn’t have to be excruciating.  And it can be the first step in the transition process. 

Make A List, And Check It Twice – Six Steps for Managing Expectations

Step #1 - Make a list of all the expectations you think you and your child need to agree upon.  (Leave room at the bottom of the list, so your kid can suggest some as well.) And how about suggesting that your son or daughter do the same thing? There may be some common expectations that can be automatic wins for both.  Have a final sheet of paper for the mutually agreed upon expectations.

Step #2 – Answer questions.  It’s likely that neither you nor your kid have done this formally before.  How about starting by mutually agreeing on the categories – budgeting, communication home, academic expectations, etc.  Choose the things that are the most important to you and stick to them.  Encourage your kid to do the same.  It’s going to be a difficult balance between communicating your expectations and being perceived as intrusive by your kid.  That’s why it’s not easy to do.  But what did you expect?  Parenting has never been easy.  

Be ready to give some wins to your kid, and by doing that, you might find it easier for your kid to give some wins to you. You’re going to have some non-negotiables…that’s O.K.  You’ve earned that right as a parent. 

Step #3 – Don’t leave room for ambiguity.  Words that don’t set clear expectations are left to interpretation.  Be specific… if you want your kid to text you (or call you) at least every Sunday, clearly state that.  But be reasonable and flexible.  Ask yourself why you want to be contacted every Sunday.  (Some parents we know just want to be certain that their kid survived the weekend!)

Step #4 – Find the places where there is near-automatic agreement and then stop talking about them!  

Step #5 – Okay, here’s where it gets hard.  There are expectations you won’t agree on.  So, you have to make it clear if one or more of them are non-negotiable.  Maybe give up on something that isn’t all that important to you, but stick to your convictions.  In life, choices have consequences.  Make it clear that if one of your must-have’s are not acceptable, then your kid might have to “pick up the tab” for his/her choices.  For example, if your child, who was going to school for Engineering, suddenly declares that he is now going to switch his Major to “The Magic Bugs of Nicaragua,” then he is going to have to pay for it.

Step #6 – Make it Formal – Hey, you don’t have to each sign it in blood, but make copies of the document, and give one to your kid. At all times, throughout the entire process, make it clear that acting responsibly is the price of independence.  Your family has a LOT of money tied up here. This is an excellent time to share that lesson with your kid.

Some Suggested Categories 

1. Communication with home - Clearly articulate when and how often your child should communicate with you.  For example, “Calls and texts are answered within ____ hours or ____ days,” and “You need to call home on Saturday or Sunday.”

2. Budgets - Establish a weekly, monthly and semester budget.  Discuss how you and your child will handle unexpected expenses for school-related items.  Include social activities in the budget.  

3. Paying the bill - When the bills are due each semester, (including tuition, dorm fees, meal plans, etc.), sit down with your child to pay those bills.  Make it real!   

4. Student bank accounts - A student checking account is a great way to teach budgeting, because these reserves are real!  Link their Debit Card to the account. Be sure to keep your own online access to the account. This way you can add money to the account when needed and monitor for any questionable spending.

5. Credit cards - If you want your child to have a credit card, we suggest you give them one issued from your account, so you’ll see the statements and can periodically check them online. We also suggest that your kid NOT open their own credit card.  (Credit card companies are well known for promoting their cards on college campuses.) It’s too easy for the student to charge things to a credit card and make only the minimum monthly payments while paying up to 26.99% interest. 

6. Student contribution - Require that your kid contribute annually to their college costs with a summer job.  This has a LOT of benefits.  It puts responsibility for some of the costs on them, and gives them valuable work experience. 

7. Paying student loans - Require that your son or daughter begin making payments on their unsubsidized student loans as soon as they take them out!  We explain this in more detail in BANKRUPT U.  The purpose is to make those loans real, as well as paying off some of the interest that will start to accrue immediately. This one thing will save you and your kid thousands of dollars – and set them up for a debt-free life.

8. FERPA - You may want to have your child sign papers to waive the FERPA (Federal Education Rights and Privileges Act) restrictions on their records.  By doing this, you will have access to your kid’s grades, financial information, and college-related communications.  If this waiver is not signed by your kid, you will be “locked” out of all official college communications – even if you are the one paying the bill.

9. Changing Majors & taking Minors - Make it clear that they are not to change Majors, drop classes, etc. without notifying you and getting your consent.  Again, this can change over the years, but colleges are notorious for talking students into double Majors, taking Minors, adding Certificates, etc.  All of this costs you money, and takes more time to graduate.

10. Choosing courses - Require that your child sit down with you during the course selection process so you can have input into what courses they are taking.  You want to make sure they are selecting meaningful courses that will add value to his/her college degree, and not simply being placed into a course by the college.  (Read Chapter 4 of BANKRUPT U for more details on this topic.)

11. Requiring your child to take courses that YOU choose - Go through the course catalogue with your kid and look for classes that will add value to their resume.  Make a list of the courses you think are important and encourage your child to take three or four of the courses on your list.  (They can do this as electives.) We suggest classes such as Accounting for Non-Accountants, Operations Management, and Financial Literacy.

12. Class attendance - Ask your child to keep you updated on their class attendance. Insist they inform you if they are having any issues attending their classes. 

13. Meal plans & dorm contracts - Check the meal plans and dorm contracts with your kid. See how many meals a week the meal plan covers, and whether it “rolls over” or not. And make sure your child understands the rules for the dorms, including any charges for damaging the walls, etc. 

14. Medical insurance – Make sure your child has their medical insurance card and emergency numbers in their phone. 

15. Security - Require that your kid follow security procedures for credit cards, phones, computers, room locks, campus safety, etc.  Security is both a physical and digital concern.  Require that your kid share their plans with you if they expect to leave campus.  

Add Your Own Expectation Categories Here

Did we touch on the issues that were important to you?  If we missed something, feel free to add to the list.  In fact, we’d love it if you would share any other expectation items with us.  Send an email to bill@theprofessorswhopayyouback.com.   

Now, Don’t You Feel Better?

At the beginning of this section, we told you that managing expectations is the most important thing you can do to maintain your sanity while your son or daughter is at college. Once you and your child have discussed specifically what you expect from them while they are in school, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief. That’s not to say they will always stick to the plan.  But at least they know what your expectations are.  And whether they tell you or not, that will probably help them breathe a sigh of relief as well.